Heya, it's been a while. Three years to be exact.

Suddenly had the urge to come back to this page and read my past entries. Something I like to do once in a while when I think about the past. Reading the past seems...odd. I have definitely evolved into someone else whilst still keeping part of my introvert personality. This introverted personality has become more prominent. More so than ever. I try to reconcile with the past me and it feels funny. I used to be a lot louder with my thoughts but now, I am back to the person where I think a lot more before posting something on social media. Do I sound like I am contradicting myself? Or does this come with age? I feel like I want to keep my life as private. If possible, I want to go missing from this face of earth where nobody knows what I am doing.

I was definitely sad whenever I had the urge to blog something.

But today, I am typing this with a different version of me. I come with a more peaceful heart. Like huh? Is it because I have been practising TM and it gives me peace without me noticing it? I don't know. I have yet to fully discover the benefits of TM.

Anyway, I wanted this post to be something that I can look back on in a few years time.

2020. What a year. Thought it would be a blast. It was supposed to be BIG. It's a new decade. but life just had to throw a major curveball at everyone. The COVID19 Pandemic. Something which kinda puts life on a standstill or something that makes us think a lot more about life and how we can do things differently. Or maybe it's really a year for us to cleanse our body and mind and come back with a clean slate. It also made me think that I could really live alone by myself and made me wonder who my true friends are and that my family will be the only ones here for me.

Been working from home since mid-Feb. Didn't enjoy it initially because markets crashed like crazy and caused multiple circuit breakers when US markets opened. It was the busiest period, working on my laptop till late at night and was so pissed at people. But looking back, it was actually one of the most exciting times where markets were uncertain and countries went into lockdown. March onwards was full WFH situation where cases were rapidly increasing. April-June was full lockdown and the only place we could go was the supermarket. Going to the supermarket became something really exciting. Who would have thought! Snacked so much. Cooked a lot of shit. Watched tons of shows online. Listened to so many podcasts. Tried to think about my life. Still haven't quite figured it out. Sigh. But feeling really stuck in my job. Half the year flew by just like that. Still enjoying WFH because it means I don't have to wake up early and commute to work. I am missing overseas travel a lot.

So...the last time when I blogged was 2017 where I was completely heartbroken and depressed. I think I am definitely much better now. I still get anxiety whenever I see random photos popping up. I still think a lot about Ryan and wonder how he is doing. No kidding. I am so silly. They say time will heal and will be your best teacher. But I'm not sure if I have wasted the past three years thinking about him and being afraid of seeing him on the streets. I avoided places over the weekends, chose to stay home because I was afraid of bumping into him. and then time just flew by like that. and I feel like I have wasted these three years. I wanted to go overseas for work so badly so I don't have to face this situation but there weren't any opportunities. Maybe God wanted me to face all these instead of running away. They say when you let go, you might actually receive more than what you have lost. I don't know if I have gained more than what I have lost. I don't think I have let go completely. Stupid me. I don't talk about the past to any one anymore because they might just think I'm stupid. People think I have gotten over it but the truth is..I don't think I have, if not, I wouldn't be feeling what I am feeling right now. Whenever I listen to podcasts, watch videos or movies that resonate with me, I get emotional and I start to cry and think about the past again. It happens pretty often but I just keep all these things to myself. Acting like I am fine but this break up has scarred me in unimaginable ways. I always wondered if I could open up to another guy the same way again. Typing this makes me teary again.

Over the past three years, I travelled to a lot of new places with people, solo-travelled to escape reality of life and at the same time, come to terms with myself. Climbed a freakin' mountain, met new people, drank hell a lot more alcohol, put my liver to its ultimate test, had a lot of drunk nights, dated new people, grew really fat, had the worst breakout on my face (that was the saddest), went on a weight loss program, challenged my fitness by spinning, running, doing barre classes, learned TM, got my promotion at the end of 2018, turned 30 in 2019 and got myself a Rolex as part of a promotion and 30th birthday self love gift. oh and I did botox this year too. I had to convince myself that self love was everything and prayed to God almost everyday for my next big break.

I felt so lonely and I was so single to the point where I started doing things on my own and I felt like I had no friends that I could easily reach out to just to have a heart to heart. I feel really left out when my friends are all moving on with life. I watched my close friends get married, engaged, have kids, etc. I am 31 this year and I don't feel a single bit successful in my career and personal life. I feel like I am on a standstill and I often pray that God will eventually make up for these lost years. Do we really need to fulfil those timelines that society has lay out? Why do I feel like a failure when I don't meet these timelines. I am also supposed to be at the peak of my life. Why haven't I achieved it? My life hasn't followed the correct timeline since young. I took a gap year and went to university late, I ended a long-term r/s really late in my life when I should be getting married, I should be earning a comfortable amount now but I am really not. So when will the next big break come? Whenever I have this thought, I try to remind myself - In God's timing or In God's timeline. If it is meant to be yours, it will always be yours. You don't have to worry about it. It will come to you eventually.

How did this post spiral into something so depressing again? Ughhh me and my self-deprecating thoughts again. I need to go reflect on life and how I can be a better version again. I don't know if being so vulnerable is a good thing but I should learn to let go and be stronger. Bye for now.


P.S. Current Soundtrack - Signs by Bloc Party (how fitting. definitely brings me back to the past)

I should really be studying for my CFA right now. Oh, the nightmare. Feeling so much pressure to pass this test. But I am really not feeling the mood to study anymore. I feel like I have to sort my feeling out.

It's been a long time since I have written on this blog and this blog will always have a special place in my heart because it has seen me through my secondary school days all the way to my university days (well, sort of). It has seen me through my adolescent days, my happiness, my heartbreaks, my betrayals, my celebrations, etc.

But today, I am back here because I really can't take it anymore. I spent the entire day/week and even months brawling my heart out. So here I am, trying to document my messy thoughts because I am feeling really like shit at the moment.

So. Let's go.

.

Ryan decided to end our 10-year relationship on 9th Feb 2017. 10 years.

I can't believe I have spent 10 years of my life with someone whom I have grown up together with. Someone I always thought I'd marry at the end of the day. My happily ever after.

But my love story didn't turn out the way I wanted it to be.

Ryan has always been my confidante, my best friend, my pillar, my everything. He knows me better than I know myself. We have been through many many ups and downs, broken each other's hearts during the early years of our relationship and staying together for the next 8 years until now. He was always the first person I run to whenever I had problems in school, at work or at home. I thought all was going well. I was so damn sure I was going to marry this man of my dreams no matter what happens and while I am typing this, I still think he is the man of my dreams. I am really foolish, right? After all, this person broke my heart big time. I always thought we were meant to be. But turns out, at the end of the day, he thought otherwise.

When he left me, he kept saying that "It's not you, it's me. I don't know what I want and I don't even know if I want to get married or have the capacity to love someone else. I just want to be alone. I am really so stressed out at work, etc etc." But when I drilled further, he said he really couldn't see me as the person that he wants to spend the rest of life with. I was gutted to the core. I mean how could you say this so easily after spending 10 years with a person?

He told me that even before we went on the Japan trip, he was already unhappy. So, what was it? I really couldn't pinpoint. But thinking back, I think it all started out with me. I have always been very insecure and controlling about our relationship and about myself. I always think that he'd cheat on me and eventually leave me. My confidence was really low and I constantly felt like I needed his assurance to feel secure. And I think this negativity kind of got into him, causing him to be unhappy with me. That's what I thought. I have also secretly blamed it on his friends as bad influence, esp his best friend. But I kept all these insecurities and negative thoughts to myself. I admit there were times I was unhappy as well but I stayed on because I really love him. I truly believe that if you choose to stay, love each other and work things out together, you'd still be happy with each other despite all the bad breaks and I thought he felt that way too but I was wrong.

Japan trip was the last straw for him because he felt that I walked out on him during Christmas. Until now, I blamed myself for it and Japan which was once my favourite country has turned into a bad memory. I feel sick when I see people going to Japan. It reminded me of all these bad memories and for the past few months, I kept thinking if I could turn back time and go back to the exact moment and turn things around, would things be different today? Would I still be with him today?

Honestly, I was feeling lousy during Christmas because it felt like he only likes to spend time with his friends. I truly felt alone and was really fed up. It was supposed to be our own trip to Hokkaido but his friends came along and changed the course of the trip. We hardly travel out together and I just wanted to travel as much as possible with him alone. But I couldn't reject the idea of his friends tagging along because it would seem so petty on my end. So, I kept my displeasure and went on this trip. But during Christmas, I just felt like shit. I just wanted to be alone to clear my thoughts and I couldn't speak to him about it because it would seem like I am a very petty and lame person. Which I was and I admit I was wrong and this was the downhill of the trip and our relationship.

Although I still blame myself for this mistake today, I still feel that it wasn't a good enough reason to walk out and give up on this relationship so easily. I felt like I was blindsided and didn't have a chance to fight for myself or for this relationship. All he wanted was out.

What I am most disappointed by is that he said he won't get into another relationship so quickly but why is it that one month after we broke up, he told me that he is interested in someone else? How can someone jump ship so quickly when he gave me so many bullshit reasons that he is sick of being in a relationship and moreover, jump ship after a long term relationship? Do I even mean anything to him?

I begged during the first month but gave up because I felt it wasn't right and it was pushing him away even more. Here I am, fighting for someone who doesn't even have a second thought about leaving me. I have my good and bad days. Some days I felt really strong and really wanted to be the best version of myself. Some days I just crumble and start to google on how to get your ex back through law of attraction. I kept fretting and fretting. I felt like I have no one to turn to because nobody wants to hear your sad story over and over again.

I feel so unworthy everyday and even question myself if there was something wrong with me? Am I really such a bad girlfriend to be with? Will I ever be happy again? Will I ever find that someone that I really love and loves me back as well? Will I be emotionally available when that person who is destined to be with me shows up? Will I ever stand a chance with Ryan again even if it's against all odds at the moment? Will I ever get married and to who? I have always wanted to get married and was ready to get married. There are so many considerations and so many things to consider before you get into another relationship with someone new again. Opening up to a new person takes a lot of effort and time and energy and I don't know when will I be ready again. Do I fake it until I make it? Can I embrace life on my own? Who can I turn to when I am down? How can Ryan develop feelings for someone so quickly after breaking up? All these thoughts kept repeating in my mind, over and over again. I feel like I am spiralling into some dark hole that I can't get out of. Feel like I will really fall into depression if I don't snap myself out of this. I feel like I need to get out of the country and escape from this heartbreak. I am seriously heartbroken. I have lost interest in my life and lost myself and sense of being completely. I didn't know this heartbreak can affect me so badly and I honestly considered getting professional help to get me through this heartbreak. I am really in a bad shape.

I feel like all my fears are becoming a reality and I don't know how to deal with it. Is the law of attraction really working negatively towards me because of my thoughts and feelings? I am really upset because they have already went on dates. I wonder what else they have done together and that is what scares me the most. I have tried my best to distant myself but I can't help feeling upset because I feel like I have been replaced so quickly and the feeling of being not enough for someone else really makes me feel sick to the core and makes me feel sick to be alive as a human being. For months, I felt like there was still hope between us once time has passed and he'd miss me and think things through and want me back. But time and time again, I was proven wrong.

But today, I really feel like I have lost all hope and I asked God what have I done to deserve this heartache? I know I have to change my attitude and become a better person. But I still feel that I don't deserve this bad break. I know God will not put me through a situation and leave me here. I know he is still on the throne and he is directing me. But he has been really quiet and I am really in need of a miracle or a breakthrough. I am really sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.

And today, I feel like the best thing I can do myself right now is to forgive, let go and move on.

Although I know, when I wake up tomorrow morning, I will still feel like there's hope and google things like "law of attraction success stories" and try to think that I would be able to salvage the relationship. Am I living in denial?

What happened to me? I didn't use to be like that. I used to be someone who is full of dreams and passion and independent and fun to be around with. I have turned into a boring liveless creature that I really hate. I hate myself. I hate myself for behaving this way. I just want to hide and disappear from the rest of the world.

I still have hopes that we can reconcile things and spend the rest of our lives together till we are gray and old.

But I think for now, it's best that I snap out, change myself (before I really get clinically depressed) and move on with my life.

xx,
Ling

P.S. All I ever wanted was a happily ever after.

"I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke. We all go through life like a bull in a China shop. A chip here, a crack there, doing damage to ourselves and other people. The problem is  trying to figure out the damage that we've done or that's be done to us. Sometimes the damage catches us by surprise. Sometimes we think we can fix the damage and sometimes the damage is something we can't even see." - Grey's anatomy

I have lost myself for a long time. I have been unhappy for the longest time.

I have been trying for the longest time. Just as I figured things out, the universe decides to throw me a curveball.

I am at my wits end and I don't want to feel this way anymore.

This dream has become a nightmare.

Should I let go? How should I do it? 

Hi.

Feeling low. So, I'm back to writing in this personal little space of mine. Been so tired, mentally and physically. I am 25 years old and I just started on my new phase of life 10 months ago as a working adult. The idea of being a student seems so far away even though I just officially graduated 2 months ago. Time flies. People change. Life goes on. And then you find yourself  constantly saying, "such is life".

Well, I stepped into the working world beginning this year. This "world" is nothing like what I imagined. It's worst than what I imagined. It's filled with nasty lessons and nasty people. It's like you are in a game with many different stages and right now, you are just in the initial stages, trying to gather as much weapons as you can. But it's so hard to gather these weapons. You keep dying and trying to replay that particular stage you are stuck in. You restart and you try until you pass that stage. It makes you feel frustrated, like why do you keep losing and how do you pass these stages to get to the next level. And when you finish the entire game, how do you get validated by others that you are one of the best players? That's the working world for you.

I'm thoroughly grossed out by it. I am still trying to figure how to make things work for me. How do I prove myself to others? I am not losing faith in it because I started embarking on this journey only 10 months ago. It's still too early to form a perspective of it but I roughly get the idea of this world. The journey is still long and I'm just taking whatever I can with me. As much as I can.

Things get even more interesting when I start to question my own actions when shit hits the fan and how I can do better to please people. Do I really need to please these people? Right now, I just feel like a dog wagging its tail and following what people ask me to do. Where's my opinion? How do I put my own opinion to others and allow them to have confidence in me? How do I get approval from others?

Well, I have learned so many lessons. Problem solving skills, people skills, work ethics, etc, etc.  and these are the ten lessons:-

Lesson 1: Interest, awareness, action.

Lesson 2: Always think two levels above.

Lesson 3: Always understand your work.

Lesson 4: Always find solutions and suggest it to others to let them know that you have thought through.

Lesson 5: Don't ever mention names.

Lesson 6: When shit happens, escalate to your boss before others do. Because it will look freaking bad on you for your boss to find out things from others.

Lesson 7: Solve problems ASAP. Don't sit on it.

Lesson 8: When you are told to send an email which would cause conflict, if that person is in the team, speak to the person personally before sending.

Lesson 9: Don't ever feel left out or be afraid of being left out. Find other ways to reach out to people personally.

Lesson 10: Always trust yourself and be confident of yourself. Speak up and learn how to  communicate with people.

Tough.

But, this is only the beginning.

xx.